As one of the volunteers I have just finished working with in Uganda put it, I have been “living the dream” the last ten days in Kenya on holiday with five – let’s not be coy about it – very attractive women.
Even the caretaker of the villa we have been staying at said I’m a very lucky man, a compliment easy to understand in a country where polygamy is still allowed.
Honestly, I cannot quibble with either of these assessments. Alice, Carla, Jess, Rachel and Staci have been a delight to travel with, to hang out at the beach with and, even, on occasion, to dance with.
Yet I feel it is my duty as a man (it takes longer than 10 days with girls to sync to their cycle, so I am still a man) to point out a few things if you are thinking about embarking on a similar travelling endeavour in the future.
1. Farting is not only the domain of boys
Girls fart. This may come as a shock to many who think that butterflies and sweetness fly out of their posterior on occasion, but I confirm it is in fact the truth. In predominately female company they fart loud and proud, they even talk of their farting experiences. There are no butterflies of any kind and the sweetness is more of a must.
2. 7 minutes per side is optimum tanning time
Perhaps I could have read this in Grazia on a trip to my nail salon, but I didn’t know that the recommended tanning time is 7 minutes on each side. If you are thinking about tanning with girls always have a stopwatch on you and never, under any circumstances, turn over before the allotted time has expired. IT WILL RUIN ANY CHANCE OF ACHIEVING THAT SUN KISSED LOOK.
3. Don’t pee in the sea, it could be needed for other purposes
Remember that episode of Friends, the one where Monica gets stung by a jellyfish and Joey pees on her to sooth the burning pain – not that being able to recite episodes of Friends is making me seem more manly! Well, it turns out that it works. If you want to seem like Prince Charming, always leave a little wee in the tank so you can come to a friends aid. Certainly don’t leave it to a female companion who has to cup her hands in order to achieve the recommend medical dose for such purposes.
4. Girls love, love, love to dance
If you are “living the dream”, don’t forget to bring you dancing shoes. Girls will dance, and don’t even need a dance floor to do so. They’ll bust some moves in the kitchen while cooking, they’ll cut some shapes first thing in the morning, on occasion they’ll waltz around the tree in the centre of your garden for no apparent reason. You will have to dance, for the only alternative is looking like a letchy lad who is eyeing up the talent when you are actually trying to avoid looking like their Dad on the dance floor.
5. When they are talking about boys, you are not a boy, except sometimes you are
Girls gossip about many things but boys is certainly in the top three. Boys do this too, don’t get me wrong, but I have never been witness to “boy talk” as though there is not one-of-those with the XY chromosome sitting within spitting distance. Sometimes you will have to forget you have a pair and agree that all men are bastards. End of. On other occasions you will be asked advice “as a man.” Feel free, but remember you are out numbered and that most of the time, no matter your sage advice, all men will turn out to be bastards.
Remember all these tips and you’ll be fine, and if not, there are bikinis everywhere!